The quest for Mr Paolini
by Sedoras
Summary: What happens when Eragon ticks off a dangerously random author? How will he make ammends? Well why don't you read and find out...
1. Why Me?

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Inheritance, if I did, I'd prefer to be bathing in money, not writing a fanfic!

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**_ Chapter 1_**

**_ Why me?_**

It was a bright, sunny day… a little too bright… in fact; the sun looked like it was smiling at him with an evil grin, but that might have been because Eragon was staring into it for several hours with amazement.

That's when he thought he might have gotten confirmation of his strange, evil sun vision. Orik was walking past, on his way to the new bookstore with new sensing, electric doors that open when you got near them.

Relieved to see him, he asked, "Hey, Orik, listen, could you tell me if you can see the-"

"Not now, Doris," he interrupted, "I've got to go get a copy of 'Axe sharpening for dummies', they're nearly out of stock!"

"What," said Eragon in bewilderment, "but my name's Eragon"

"Whatever you say, Erganon"

And with that he disappeared into the bookstore, leaving a completely befuddled Eragon staring, blankly after him.

"Holy sh-"

He was suddenly interrupted by a strange chocolate slamming into his forehead, knocking him out cold.

Several hours later, he awoke, finding out that the chocolate had melted, forming the words, "NO SWEARING, PLEASE, THIS FIC. IS NOT RATED FOR SUCH RUDNESS." Eragon decided to leave the chocolate there, thinking it would make him seem like a **sweeter** person. (HA HA HA, sorry, couldn't resist)

He decided to contact Saphira, she would certainly help.

_Hey Saphira, you there?_

_Yes, little one, what is it?_

_Well don't you sound peeved?_

_Well, I was in the middle of something_

_What?_

_Bling-forging, if you must know._

_Well anyway, I just called you because I've been having a really weird day_

_Well you should be_

_Why?_

_I've been talking to someone and I've head some shocking things about you…_

_What? What have I ever done?_

_You've broken into a super-intelligent fanfic writer's mind and gave him a very freakish nightmare!_

_What? I did no such thing!_

_Well, regardless, you're going to have to make it up to him…_

_What? How?_

_Well, that's why he was talking to me… The only way that you can make it up to him is to travel to the abode of Christopher Poalini and "convince" him to continue the inheritance trilogy soon. Comply, or suffer. And remember, never fight with an author, they're dangerous creatures._

_As dangerous as the Barney show?_

_Don't ever mention that show again! That is just stupid; the author might have a fit and fall on the keyboard. Do you know what could happen if he does that?_

_No… What?_

_It's happened before; he had to… delete… all of them… (Breaks down and starts crying)_

"Okay, that, too, was random… I guess I'll just have to visit this "Poalini" guy or my life will just be doomed. Okay, Mr. Poalini, here I come!"

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FINISHED! This is my first fanfic so pls dnt flame me too bad… plz?

Can you guess what's in for Eragon in his quest to free himself from the evil author's randomness? Will Orik get his axe-sharpening right? How will Saphira do in bling-forging?

Only reviews will tell, so… RRRRREEEEEVVVVEEEEIIIWWW!


	2. Revalation of the Transformation

_**Disclaimer: Do I really have to say it?**_

_**Before I write anything, I just want to thank everyone who was cool enough to review (DivineDarkness and Kelsey, thanx a bunch!)**_

_**O.K, on with chappie 2!**_

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Chapter 2 revelation of the transformation

"Okay, Mr. Paolini, here I come!" shouted Eragon and took an actiony pose.

Actiony music started playing and he started running in the first direction he thinks of... forward. After running for a very long time, Eragon suddenly realized that he didn't know where he was going and stopped.

_I know, _he thought, _I'll bet Saphira knows where this Poalini guy lives! Hey Saphira!_

_Little one, do you know how much concentration it takes to forge bling? Galbatorix wants this stash to be done within-_

_Wait a minute; you're working for Galby?_

_Yes… so what? It's not like I'm fighting for him or something. I'm just earning a good living like an honest citizen, unlike you._

_B… bu… but I'm a dragon rider! I can't just pick up a pleasant job like a normal peasant!_

_Oh so you're already denying you're previous status, being the lowest, even in farmer terms?_

_You know what? I'm not even going to respond to that-_

_You just did. (Mentally smiles)_

_Hey, whatever, I just wanted to know if you actually knew where Chris lives._

_How did you know his name?_

_I don't know… (His mental voice trails off)_

_Anyway… the only person who knows where Chris-the-mighty lives is known only by Galbatorix._

_So Galby knows the only person who knows where Chris lives? Duuuude._

_Exactly, now shut up so I can forge this bling!_

And with that she shut him out of her mind. But suddenly she popped back in.

Oh, and I forgot, expect company, I told Galbatorix where you are so you two could chat, bye 

She mentally said the last part cheerfully and shut him out again. As soon as she did, true to her words, Galby appeared a few meters away from him with a small urgal army. He was wearing clothes about six sizes too large, so large that the neck part of his shirt was slipping down his tattooed shoulder. An iron chain that ended in an iron ball larger than his head hung around his neck along with several more gold, ridiculously large chains. Several golden, silver and diamond-encrusted rings decorated his fingers; the most prominent of all was a half of the letter "G" on each hand.

"Forshizzle rizzle da dizzle fizzle!" He said holding his hands up with his index finger, pinkie and thumb sticking out and moving them to different angles at each word.

Eragon simply stood there staring at him with utter disbelief showing on his face, how did he get there? What was he wearing and what the hell did he just say!

"Dejizzle mizzle?"

Eragon just stared harder

"Wizzle pizzle marizzle hizzle!" he said but a bit more aggravated

_It's like he's trying to speak to me I know it _he thought. "Listen, Galby, I know that chain around your neck must be impairing you're ability to speak, but I don't know what you're saying!"

(Enter Marlin in a plate of chips and tarter source)

"Now you know what I felt like when trying to decipher that little turtle's words while trying to find Nemo!"

"Ooooooo forjizzle!" said Galby and ate him. "Aaaaahhh" sighed Galby, satisfied with his full stomach, regardless of the puny size of little Marlin. He then looked at the urgal army and said "… lizzle"

They started advancing on Eragon.

"No, really!" Eragon shouted at them. "I really, really have to talk to this guy and I have no idea how to understand him! Do you?"

"Nope," they said in unison, "but the pay's good!" they all drew their swords, clubs, hammers and shopping bags. (What? They could suffocate him… **big, baby eyes** don't hate me…)

Just then, a gigantic book fell out of the sky and conveniently crushed the inconvenient urgal army. Eragon then walked up to it and attempted to read it.

"t-he English to gan-gste-r dic-tion-ary? (All pronounced like they're spelt) What the hell does that mean?"

Then a gigantic hand extended out of the sky and snatched up the book angrily and pulled it out through the sky (with some urgal pieces sticking to it)

"It reads: _The English to gangster dictionary_, you illiterate twat!' boomed a voice, "I thought Brom taught you to read, fool!"

"Well, I just told him I understood to shut him up… I wasn't getting anywhere with it." Said Eragon sheepishly.

"Then how did you read the words out to him?" asked the aggravated voice.

"I asked Saphira… I just projected her the letters and she told me the words. I did the same by Oromis."

"How did she learn to read if you didn't?"

"I don't know, ask the quack whose writing this fic!"

All of a sudden, an extremely muscular horse appeared and kicked the stupid out of our unfortunate hero's head and then kicked it back in. After that it disappeared with a pop.

"Who do you think you're talking to, pinhead!"

Despite the fact that he was still groggy added to the fact that he was retarded, the farm boy was able to register this.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, great one. I, a simple farm boy, had no idea that you were the author." He bowed while saying this, causing a blood rush to his head to add to the headache caused by the horse-kick (And the fact that he was multi-tasking) and made him double over and lie there, groaning.

"Alright, simple one, I created you to be stupid so you cannot take the blame… I will help translate what Skippy over here says'

By now, Galby had moodily sat down and started twiddling his thumbs at the lack of attention.

"Hey, pizzle rizzle!" said the author, calling the now happy Galby.

(Eragon asks questions while the all-knowing author translates)

Click

(Everyone starts talking incoherently in squeaky-high pitched voices at super-speed) (Gotta love that fastforward button :-) )

Click

(Normal speed)

"So" said Eragon, "I can get the information I need from a dragon who lives in the spine, right?

"Right" said the mighty author.

"Well I guess I'd better get moving, huh?"

"Guess you should."

"All right then."

_Hey, Saphira._

_What do you-_

_I just spoke with Galby and the author, I got the information I need, could you just come over and fetch me? And don't worry about the bling; Galby won't be getting back any time soon._

_Why is that?_

_The author made him appear here and he won't make him disappear back, he says it'll be a test of his kingly powers to get back or something_

_Very well. But why didn't you just talk the author about his problem with you? It could've been easier._

_I don't know, I'm stupid… I guess that's why I'm the rider and you're the dragon_

_Good point, little one._

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YAY! Slap me with a noodle and call me Susan, I've finished chappie 2!

I don't think Eragon is dumb or that I'm all powerful or all knowing (But in my fanfics I am MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, ahem)

Anyway, tell me what you like or don't like… or just send me a happy new years message or anything, JUST REVIEW!


	3. But I don't want blonde hair!

_**Greetings again, loyal readers!**_

_**I have returned from my long absence with a new chappie just for you! YAY!**_

_**Disclaimer: No, Eragon, Saphira, Galby and the rest of the Eragon characters are not mine!**_

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Chapter 3 But I don't want blonde hair!

Eragon was enjoying a blissful, cool flight on saphira's back, enjoying the wind in his hair. Then he saw it. A glittering, green dragon was flying towards them.

Saphira, do you see- 

_Yes, little one, I see it._

Then Eragon felt the strange rider's mental presence touching his mind. He knew that presence anywhere. Arya!

_Eragon, it's me. I want you to land._

_Arya! But how? When?_

_I'll explain when we land._

The two dragons landed and the riders dismounted (In his excitement, Eragon tripped over one of his saddle straps and fell flat on his face) He quickly got back up and ran up to Arya.

"Arya, where did you get that-"

She put one slender finger on his lips

"Eragon, there's something I've always wanted to tell you…"

She slowly started inching her head closer to his until their lips were almost touching.

"Eragon, I…"

VOOOM!

Eragon was suddenly jarred out of his wishful dream with a particularly rough bit of turbulence.

"Huh? What happened? Is it my turn? Where's Araya?"

_Eragon! Wake up!_

_Wusumatter?_

_You're riding me, Saphira, remember?_

_Yeah, yeah, of course I remember… Who's Saphira?_

_Oh, shut up. Just look at the ground below. Do you see what's moving down there?_

Eragon leaned over to the right, shielding his eyes with his hand (even though the sun was behind him)

_Hmmm… I think it looks like a- WHOA!_

Unfortunately for the ground, the simple boy was a little overzealous in his movement and he threw himself right off of his saddle and started a long decent towards a particularly hard point of ground. He hit it with an impressive impact that caused a particularly large crater. From her view in the air, Saphira could just see a pair of twitching legs sticking up out of the ground. Through her highly amused laughter, she was just able to ask him if he was okay.

_Eragon -snicker- are you –snicker- all right?_

_Yeah, I think so. My head broke my fall_

_What did the ground ever do to you?_

Eragon was just about to respond but he heard excited squealing just behind him. He turned around and saw a strange man with eyeliner, blush, lipstick, earrings and a whole bunch of jewellery that put Angela's collection to shame standing a little distance away.

" OOO! You're just perfect, darling! Hmmm, maybe we should dye your hair blonde and simply what ARE you wearing? O tsk, tsk, tsk, we are just going to have to fix that, wont we? Ah, yes and you're a farm boy so we're just going to have to slap some dirt on your cheeks and some manly sweat, mmm, I'm drooling already!"

The strange stranger kept rambling on about how Eragon should look and he took measurements of his chest, shoulders, arms, legs and butt. As soon as he got to the last body part, the strange stranger grabbed hold of Eragon's second pair of cheeks.

"So strong! O yes, you'll do just perfect!"

By now, Saphira was giddy with laughter

_I think someone likes you, little one. At least he's paying more attention to you than Arya._

That was the last straw. Eragon grabbed his stomach, bent over and threw up profusely on the ground.

"OOO! Bending over for me already, are you, deary? Well I'm sorry, but I already have a boyfriend."

"Ugh, what do you want with me?"

"Why, to cast you in my new movie, of course!"

"Really? What's it called?"

"Eragon."

"Yes?"

"What do you mean, "yes"? It's the name of the movie!"

"What? I'm not a movie!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You said Eragon is the name of your movie."

"It is."

"But I'm not a movie!"

"I didn't say you were one!"

(This goes on for quite some time)

"But MY name is Eragon!"

"Well why didn't you say so, honey?"

"Why couldn't you guess it?"

"Because then this chapter would be shorter than desired, of course!"

"Huh?"

"Never mind, anyway, so you're the famous Eragon? You're a lot more gorgeous than I expec-"

"Stop it! Why did you want me to have blonde hair?"

"Because I'm a director. Directors always screw up movies based on books."

"True, true."

"Except, of course, for The Lord of the Rings. When I think of Aragorn…"-----------------

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!"

"Whoa, relax, sweetie."

The strange stranger moved forward in an attempt to massage the dragon rider, who was almost foaming at the mouth. Then Eragon lashed out with Zar'oc in an attempt to remove the strange stranger's outstretched hands.

"Get away from me! I don't want anything to do with you or your movie, now get away from me!"

And with that, Eragon ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction with his arms flailing in the air. The strange stranger shouted after him.

"Fine! I'll just use that Edward Speleers guy!"

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_**WOOHOO! End of chappie 3! If I offended any people (Which I doubt) that's why they call it fanFICTION! **_

_**Anyway plz review and ideas are welcome**_


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